Ser.eia

 Sabe qual é a maravilha das paixões platônicas?

É que ela nunca precisa saber

que pra mim ela é sereia.

Verde, azul, cristalino, cintilante,

da íris à ponta da cauda, suave, macia, doce,

FORTE com sua delicadeza.

Encantada estou, encantada sou,

e sem perigo.

Ela não sabe e ela não precisa,

mas meu arco está e estará sempre a postos

para ela, por ela.

Ela sempre vai ter onde nadar,

e eu, onde me deliciar.

19th of June, 2018.

 From the back of the room 

she said yes

Walking down the stairs too

she said yes

With a smile on her face

She said yes

With a kiss and embrace

She said yes

With my fingers in hers 

she said yes

Through her hair and her curves

She said yes

I was bursting in nerves

You could guess

Now I rest, for I know she said yes.

Why I don't hate my exes

 R, you looked at me from across the room and i felt seen, wanted, desired and truly loved romantically by a man for the first time. You showed me there were men that would look at my imperfections and see glorious beautify and I will always love you for that. Thank you. 

A.1, you were an example of independent living, "The world is your oyster" was your teaching and the safety you made me feel the day my world collapsed will never be forgotten. You held my hand through a walk out of a tight closet and I will always love you for that. Thank you. 

H, you showed me patience. You waited for me, cared for me, loved me deeply and shared your life, your friend and your family with me, even though you knew I wasn't healed enough to do the same and I will always love you for that. I'm sorry I didn't treat you better. Thank you anyways

C, you showed me what a safe, healthy relationship looks like. We set boundaries with understanding, were slow to anger and forgave often and communicated always. We loved each other completely and until the end. A part of me only believes in true love today because of what I lived with you and I will always love you for that. Thank you, my sweet C.

A.2, with you I lived wlw clichés and learned why certain risks shouldn't be taken. Inspired by you, I also broke free of professional limitations and started believing I could do more then I anticipated and I will always love you for that. Thank you. 

L, you were fun, and kind and generous and I couldn't believe my luck. You made me feel powerful and strong and charming and light and happy. You showed me that people who will love me, miss me, count on me, and want me around all the time are NOT too much to ask for and I will always love you for that. Thank you so much. 

N, you taught me about beauty and bravery. I'll never forget the way you smiled when you looked at me, nor of how kissing you made me feel. You also faced fears, diligently applied healing techniques and openly expressed difficult emotions inspite of the fear of being misunderstood, mislabeled and rejected. You showed me how to bold, but kindly, choose myself first and I will always love you for that. Thank you.

You may never read this homage, 

I may never see you again

Reliving this will never occur

But I hope you do read. 

I hope in the depths of your soul you know you left an eternally positive imprint in the life of someone you once loved, 

And that a part of you is

And will always be

Loved, at least by me. 

Thank you. 

To miss

 I miss my name rolling off your lips

I miss my name between your teeth

I miss my name under your tongue

I miss my name on the back of your neck

I miss my name slipping tightly through your vocal chords 

I miss how your rolled your eyes back and said my name

No one else has ever said my name like that. It's my favorite sound in the world. It feeds my hunger every time I say your name. 

I miss my name on you

In you

All around you

I miss the me that came out of you

I miss me

I miss you. 

1 Year

 Last year I made a vow and broke

This year I mean to keep

One year alone,

No hearts, no mouths

Until May, the 13th.

To find my tribe and where I thrive

And, therefore, know me true

To firm my stride and walk with pride

Before my eyes find you

That is my quest, where I will rest 

Once it has been complete

I’ll know for sure, and be secure

Myself I get to keep

Last year I made a vow and broke

This year 4 doors await

My mind, my flesh,

My heart and soul

Upon these I fixate

To know HIM evermore and more,

To grow in wisdom too

My soul then will be saved and soar

No evil will ensue

Pick up a book and take a look 

whenever in a jam

Expand my mind and redesign 

An old mental program

Next, elevate, “girl, lift those weights”

My body, I will tone

My food and mood, my words and curves

A temple, with a throne

And finally, to be set free, 

the last door left to cross

My heart I leave in these hands be

Whenever at a loss

No love I’ve known like those who’ve grown 

Beneath the heavy roof

We bare and care, my sibling share

A bond made fireproof

Next are my friends, those always there

Who never made me doubt

That in the depths of my despair

Their love I’d be without 

1 year, I say, though well I may

Take longer to achieve

The goals I seek to build and keep

And live what I believe

Last year I made a vow and broke

This year I won’t revoke

No flower will I open, no sword I will unsheathe

Until the well appointed time,

Of rainy May 13th.

fantastic festering feast

Eat me

Devour me 

Bite down hard and lick your lips, please

Let me be inside your body

Digest me

Let my thoughts and feelings,

My skin and bone

Be nutrients to your flesh,

Your heart, your soul.

Let me travel through your veins

Scatter deep into your brain

See and understand your pain

like no one has before.

I don't want to be content

Withing the limits of body,

I don't want to smell your hair

I want to be IN IT.

Feel your fingers press down on me as you wash it.

I want to hear your voice

Through what it creates inside you

Be the first to experience every utterance

To know the end of every line

before any man can...

Before any man can.

Look through me.

Let me mirror with your eyes

Swim in the oceans they form

Follow the path your tears take

And speaking of swimming, oh your tongue...

Let me help you bend the muscle 

That distills poison to the cruel

And blessings to the kind.

Oh, to be granted such an honor!

But I am no fool.

I know there will be blood in your mouth

When you let your thoughts retreat

To those you once called "lovers",

some maybe even "brothers",

And I know you will make room for them again.

When that day comes

Let me be the knot in your throat

that prevents you from giving your all

away too soon

The teeth that bite your tongue

And keeps your privacies private

The rage that colors your hair red

when you catch him in a lie.

But if you still decide you want one, 

want a "him" instead of "Her"...

Then shit me out 

and let me be.

Deceased must be that piece of me.

Because if with you I can't stay,

The sewer would be comfort, anyway.

Curators

Our choices have made us curators:

My sister, a curator of books. Quality content of reliable sources and impecable taste. Preparing the children for the monsters of the world from the safety of their home and loving parents arms. Reminding children there is beauty in our history, our backyard, our friends and family regardless of how twisted the world becomes. Creating readers, thinkers, debaters, changing the universe around them for a moment or a lifetime all from a very careful selection of books. A labor of love and appreciation for both the written art and the people who give it their time. Food for the mind and soul.

My brother, a curator of music. Quality songs of renowned and often unseen or underappreciated sources, hidden from the masses, but composed of complex and intricate sounds or simple yet heartfelt melodies. Every tune embracing and relating to the exact emotion you're in, relieving the burden of feeling your feelings alone and providing you with an opportunity to either sob and dance, to process your emotions, be them thunderstorms or cloud 9, through the pluck of a cord, the beat of a drum. Food the heart and soul.

Me, a curator of English speaking people. Quality English from humble and interesting sources, ranging from poor to rich, common or vip, everyday people to diplomats. People who've embraced a different language, a different culture, an entirely different identify while facing the pushback from their own language, culture and people just for deciding not to settle with what they were born into. Also people who are ready and willing to connect. People who can AND WILL befriend nations, plural, with empathy, curiosity, kindness and maturity. Food the mind and heart.

All of us curators

All of us curating

All of us curing what we didn't bruise,

Bring hope where some had none.

All of us intentionally existing, unknowningly influencing those around us, changing their lives for the better, one tiny step at a time.

What are you curating?

Memories with a french rose

 É muito gostoso lembrar de você, piccola. 

Do jeito que você sorriu quando te chamei de "gatinha" porque te pegou de surpresa mas você adorou.

Do mesmo sorriso que deu quando eu não aguentei a sua fofura e agarrei sua bochechas pra te dar um beijo.

De você me perguntando se eu lembrava do seu vestido, sabendo que eu me lembraria do nosso primeiro beijo, e mais tarde tirando uma foto com o mesmo vestido e usando de foto de perfil.

De você tímida mais feliz cantando "show off", flertando, me olhando intencionada quando cantou "I'm teach you, just follow the leader".

De você cantando no shopping comigo, puxando "for good" e cantando até o final. Eu ainda não te contei a relevância dessa música pra mim. Eu sei a relevância dela pra você. 

If you were just for a season, I can honestly say it was one hell of a good season. A cool breeze on a sunny day. Spring time in a field full of blooming flowers, spreading their scent all over us, coloring the days with light and love a so much color. Intense. Mostly easy. Very warm. 

Sure, troubled like any other, but the final outtake is of profound Joy.

Thank you again.

It was a pleasure

and an even greater honor

to have had you

and, for a little while,

to have been yours.

2025

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" - Thomas Edison

That's not exactly what he said, and the variation is even more poweful in my opinion, but I'm lazy right now so that's what you get today.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"- Albert Einstein

Again, might not even have been him who wrote this, but this quote has followed me my whole life.

And yet

I have been insane.

10 years ago I wrote about failed love, 

wrote about longing

wrote about pain

wrote about wishing to be rescued.

Victimised myself.

And that is one of the things I try to fight the hardest,

and am the most vulnerable and ashamed about.

I am a grown up.

I am a responsible person.

I can and do take care of myself - adequately. That can be improoved.

With my mental state the way it is, I'm clearly not taking the best care of myself that I can.

Not being responsible enough.

But on a regular day, that would be an acusatory phrase. 

Today, it's a spotlight on the empty space of the puzzle that is my life.

I have built a whole lot of this puzzle already, neatly following the order of corners and colors I sometimes planned for and sometimes did by instinct, but invariably landed where I am now. Self suficient. Full of friends. Close enough to my family. Dreaming of the future.

I didn't fail.

It's not over.

I am not a problem.

I just tried out a wrong piece and proved that that particular one isn't the one that fits into this whole of my life.

Yes, I'm talking about a person now.

Yes, I'm a romantic, so I am going to repeat the love stories and longing a little. 

And maybe I am a little crazy.

Some people call my crazy "weird". Some, "authentic". I like them both.

This year, I'm going to chose joy. 

Chose discipline. 

"Do it anyway" is my mantra for the year.

I'm going to divide my year in chuncks of 3 months and stick to my habits for at least that long. 

- Fixing the house

             - Do 1 chore for 30 seconds. Just 1. 30 seconds and no longer.

- Working out/ Martial arts/ Sports

            - Do 1 plank (preferrably first thing in the morning and last in the evening, but chill).

- Writing

           - Write 1 sentence in my jornal. Any writing is writing.

- Praying 

           - Jesus' prayer is more than enough on a day you can't pray

- Reading and Studying

            - 1 5-minute video about God, money, habits, writing, languages or finantial education will do.

- Saving money (studying finantial education)

            - Better save 10 reais per day, then none by the end of the year.

- Chosing Joy.

            - I will be grateful for 1 thing that happened today or yesterday.

I feel like I need a bare minimum, to give myself grace on the bad days. Those are in orange. Green is the goal.

Not yours

My love is not yours
It's not meant for you
I don't remember how I gave it to you

Feels like it kind of fell on your lap

And it made sense to

I was with you, after all, for a little while

But yeah? No.

My love is not yours 

It doesn't make sense

I'm not attracted to your choices

When your tired, sad or frustrated

I've had enough people choose anger at me

When they could've chosen kindness

I am braver than this

I am bigger than this

To be your dirty little secret

And never someone you are proud of?

I do NOT want this!

My love is not yours.

It could've been

But you didn't want it

And I take that seriously. 

We just started a New Year 

It's time to start over, not repeat. 

So goodbye, my dear, my sweet. 

My love is not yours anymore.