Envy or ADHD on relationships

 She is not really there, but I'm drawn to her. And I hate it.

Have you ever felt such a strong pull towards someone and wanted so bad to resist that pull that you find yourself getting angry at them for no reason? It sounds like an immature 12 year old that doesn't yet understand attraction and is mean to the girl he likes... but I'm not a 12 year old boy.

For starters, I'm a girl.

                            Feeling this shit over another girl.

                                                        An unattainable one, to top it all off.

What is this pull?! 

I love dressing like a man, feeling like I can look like one, be admired like one. Not like a man really, more like a person with style, with confidence and in short hair, baggy clothes. I like being different. I like standing out in a crowd, being seen. I want to be seen. Maybe that's what it is.

She does and is exactly who I always wanted to be and she is seen for it. I think this might be envy. I don't think I've ever been this kind of envious before. It is very strong.

I envy her because the path in life I've chosen requires a different image presentation. I love the image she carries and I wish so badly that I had the guts and the social acceptance to pull it off, but I don't. And she does.

I think I might have gotten into relationships out of envy. I very weirdly masked envy.

One of my exes (also a girl) was such a boy without a dick that it made me so absurdly drawn to her I had to tell her I was falling for her, which led to 11 moths of a terrible relationship. Could it be that all I really was attracted to was the presentation she put on? The social acceptance she had, the clothes she wore, the hair cut right before the limit of what would be considered "too masculine". She hated men, so she worked hard to carry feminine physical attributes, while (maybe not realising) being a boy in every other way possible. 

I have issues with men. I love my brother and my father but both have failed me as men in different ways and in different levels, of course. My father was mean and disrespectful when he felt contradicted and my brother only ever stood up for himself. It is important to point out that my brother is a wonderful man. I was borderline obsessive in my feeling towards my brother. I think my family had noticed, but they preferred to just see it as a sister that just loves her big brother very much. I have no romantic feelings towards him, before scholars and poets decide to jump to that easy, immediate conclusion, but I just now realised that I may have been carrying an envy of my brother around for many years, masked as high admiration. 

Lets get it out in the open then. 

I envy my brother's relationship with God. I feel like I will never be at that level and I resent him for it - however illogical that is. I envy his joy and his calm. I know that what he has was obtained by living a pure, clean life with God and that just might be the thing I envy the most... He can. It's not hard for him to life a pure life. The worst thing he could possibly do is watch p*rn. He doesn't have the guts or the cruelty to cheat on his wife. I do. I did. I know he's human and he certainly has his own "lions to face", but I feel like my load is heavier. I want to say that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and I assume that's somewhat biblical, but people die - and often if I dare say - due to things that they couldn't handle. People get sick out of nowhere. People crash in cars, planes, have children they don't know how to love or care for and make a disaster in other peoples lives and this has been going on since the beginning of time. 

I know God is fair, so this doesn't make sense and I hate that I have to fight the urge to say that I might just be victimizing myself, knowing that while I can be dramatic my voice was silenced for so long I don't feel like I'm allowed to have feelings - AT THE SAME TIME, SOCIETY HAS RULES AND I KNOW AND RESPECT THEM, meaning by this that feelings are not to be put above reason. Feelings are not fact.

What a terrible post.

What do I do with all this?

The pull is still there. 

How could I possibly get into a relationship with someone having all this stored inside me? How will I know if what I'm feeling is genuine attraction or just masked envy?