The "You" that counts

Not knowing if you are ever going to read this makes me unsure of whether I should be writing it at all in the first place.

"You" has been a variety of different people in my life. Pronoun chosen more often than not to refer to someone of my past. "You" has ranged from my dad, through my first (ex)boyfriend, my first (ex)girlfriend, my late sister, my late best friend...

     and now you - my last ex-girlfriend.

When was my dad, I could say anything I wanted about you. I could curse and trash-talk than powerfully defend and protect and it was all just fine. "A father is a father" they say, and that's supposed to make anything is acceptable and understandable. 

Then there was my first boyfriend, but that you was out of sight and out of mind before I could say "thank you, next" cause I was young and desperate and for lack of a better way to put it, something better came along.

Next was they first she-you and this one lasted much longer than I would care to admit. But that's all I have to say about that now

                        my late sister and friend are always there. They are never replaced or forgotten.

And then there was you.

You've been on my mind. I miss you.

I know I made the right decision to tell you goodbye but that doesn't mean I am void of feelings for you or that I forgot all the fantastic things you did for me and how much I learned from you.

I saw a girl on a random social media and she reminded me of you. I've been watching her all day because I can't allow myself to watch you. I can't allow myself to sabotage my healing and detachment process by secretly pursuing you and negating the decision I made for myself.

This is all difficult.

I need to be free to express my emotions, longings and needs, but if I do express them as I am feeling them, then I bring back to life something I am trying to kill.

Nevertheless, if this is to be my last manifesto about my feeling toward you, as they are in this moment, hoping they don't get to you so I can freely say what is stuck and begin to let it go, then here it is:

You are the best person to have ever come into my heart.

No one else has ever done me as much good as you have.

You were a dream come true too many aspects to count.

I miss you. I sometimes still love you. I hope I don't live to regret letting you go.

If I ever come to learn that I could've "had it all", leaving you will have been the greatest regret of my life.

You are beautiful both when you choose to look like a boy and like a woman.

But the beauty you carry inside is even more astonish.

You have your bruises and scars, but their cause never caused you to lose yourself.

I don't want to forget you. I wish I didn't have to.