Keep me company, keep me smiling - V

I'm learning how to sing some songs from the musical you showed me.
Reading my hind lyrics, you pop up in my memory
I want to make this poem memorable, but that means hard work
Heart work...

Opening it to much could terminate our friendship
I'm still walking a tight rope about being in a real... in a relationship.

You never asked, and honestly I don't think you will. You have no reason to, and plenty of reasons not to. In the mean time, my quiet thought grows into quiet words... Here presented.

"Actions speak louder than words"

"Your compliments didn't lose their worth cause you know how to make them... And your timing! You've got great timing for them, you know when to make them"

"I might just fall in love with you" 3x

"You should wear your hair down more often. ... I have a thing for curls"

Your words don't leave me.
I don't want them to either.
They keep me company, and keep me smiling.

Hold it in - IV

I'm glad our last talk happened right before a very long weekend.
That means I won't see you for a while
That means I won't have the chance to do anything stupid
That means I have time to let emotions calm down.
...
2 days have passed though, and I feel they're only getting worse.

I knew you'd be fine. I always did. But a slight fear that maybe you wouldn't be, and I didn't get the chance to tell you how I feel, or the chance to spend all the time with you I still want to spend... that made me worry quite a bit.

It's not your fault, but I've been growing addicted to you

Violently, mindfully, happy to be - III

You don't want me to, but one day I'm gonna see you cry. A lot. Out of gratitude, and amazement, given the trust and confession I'll make to you.

I'm not gonna tell you now cause I don't want to wonder if the tears you'll shed will be, even in a small bit, a reaction to the sensitiveness you're in now given the most recent life changing experiences you're going though. I want the tears to have a clear, undivided purpose.

Because I love you.

I won't take any less than that. I want you to understand my love for you fully and rejoice and be glad. You want my blood? It's yours! You need an organ? Here, have two! I'm gonna take care of you too my best ability AND respect your space. I'm gonna watch you grow and stand amazed, as I already do. I'm gonna help you grow and mature as a person and a professional in any and every way I can. I'm gonna overlook your flaws, and your angry days, because I care about you violently. And nothing except a greater physical violence than my violent love for you will make me change my mind about you. You'd have to knock me out, full K.O. ... And I'm a good, Kung Fu trained fighter. Bottom line, you've got no way out.

What I feel for you goes beyond the romantic butterflies, hearts and roses. It's mostly mental. I'm crazy about your mind. About your politeness, your punctuality, about how seriously you take your job, about your determination to be light hearted in spite of everything and your following through with exactly that. It leaves me astonished that you show your sensitive side with the small things that hit you in life but pull yourself together with the big things so you can best help the people involved or calm down the people that are worried about you. I appreciate how passionate you are about the things you care for, and the length you're ready to go for the people you care about. Btw, I felt flattered, comforted, safe, cared for and deeply, deeply honored to have been considered one of those people, on a number of occasions. You may even be a difficult person at times, but you are extremely easy to love. Very easy. So easy...

I'll go over these one by one with you, if you want me to, later so you can know exactly where I'm getting all this from. I've lived this with you! I've seen all these qualities in their full force quite a number of times. It'll be delightful for me, to spend some extra time with you in person, letting you know where all of this came from. And enjoying your company, as usual. Pun intended.

And I'm not even asking you to be mine, but you need to know that I,
            I am violently and mindfully 

happy to be

 yours.

Scary - II

Today you said the following phrase:

"How long have we been together?"

For a minute, I froze.

What did you mean by that? Are you insinuating we've been together? Are you refering to our friendship? ... or dare I say you're about to suggest we should be together?

"What do you mean?" is, thank God, all that came out.

"I mean today."

"Oh. For about 2 or 3 hours. Why?"

"And what did you not yet do, that you always do to me?"

...

"I don't know, hug you?" - or kiss you if I'd ever dare.

"True, but no. Even more important than that."

I couldn't say on the spot, so you gave me a minute.

Bad idea.

The last thing ringing in my head was the line you started the conversation with, and it's possible interpretations. My heart was pounding in my chest and my breath was uneasy. That's the effect these sort of lines, coming from you, have on me.

I strove to figure out what was more important to you than hugs, thinking in an emotional sense, and that just made things worse inside me.

What a relief when you finally said:

"You didn't remind me to drink water!" and that was it. A weight lifted off my shoulders.

Like I said, I DON'T WANT YOU, but I also do.

These are the moments that's made apparent. My mind reacts to the idea; my body responds to it.

Guess we just gotta learn as we go.

See you tomorrow (hopefully).

Reasoning in the closet - 1

Somebody help me!

I can smell it. It creeps into my surrounding. I laugh too hard at your jokes. Not too much, but more than average. I know what this marks the beginning of.

Someone talk me out of this!

Love is considered beautiful in every form, and forever beneficial, but that is such a lie. Anyone who's been in a relationship that didn't work can certainly convince you not all is beautiful or beneficial. I can assure you, this is one of those cases.

Someone slap me into reality!

You're weekly within the reach of my grasp, and yet desperately far from reach. You connect when I'm week and it's sweet... but it's fake. I don't want to allow myself to care, I shouldn't do so. Nevertheless, it's happening. It's as if my body were the master of itself, simply informing the brain by it's sudden temperature and chemical change that something is being birthed in my heart. I DON'T WANT IT, but I DO want it. It's too contradictory to make sense. I could, and can in dream, though. I've showed you in words and touch that I care for you, in a dream. I wished I could see that dream come to life. ... NO! I am meant to be redemption to you, and yet I begin to desire you be my corruption.

For the first time in all the history of surrenderings my heart has ever made, I agree with my mind: this IS not right; this should not happen. My brain seems to battle with my soul, though both agree that this should never be; my neck turns and looks up, as if pushing the physical trigger that pulls the thought into the mind without reason's permition or interference.

I think of you Tony.
We could never be
We should never be
You're out of my league
You'd never consider me--
-- and for good reasons.
...
            ....
                         ....
That doesn't make stop thinking of you.