Self-descovery + getting over her.

                I can ask you to talk away, to walk out of my life. I don't like it that you already do every time you get upset, and you get upset a lot, for tiny reasons and don't allow me to do anything to make it better. You won't even talk to me. I hate it. But I can't fight it. I'm not strong enough, or maybe even smart enough to explain why this hurts me so much. You don't analyse things. You judge them quickly and that's it. I over-analize things. I see reason in the way people behave (and therefore let their behaviour however hurt or wrongful slide) even when a regular person wouldn't.

                                                           

 

              I have a talent to making people feel good, feel loved and appreciated. I had forgotten about that, because I haven't had the opportunity to be that person in someone's life in a while. What has been happening however, is that I'm in a relationship with a woman that I love very much, too much. Because she's not willing to invest half as much as I need to be happy.

   

             That's one way to put it.

 

           But I also haven't just had fun in a while. My kind of fun. I'm not even sure I know what that looks like anymore. I know it involves people, most likely nature and very often the exploration of a novelty. I LOVE LEARNING. I love exploring, and seeing new things. But I don't like the idea of doing it by myself.

 

 

            Someone told me today that the Holy Spirit hasn't abandoned me. That that idea is a lie fabricated by the devil to destroy me. Given everything I grew up believing in, that sounds perfectly accurate, but I never know if it's true. Because the same Bible that says that God never forgets anyone, also says that some are doomed and that's it. That they are doomed because they loved the world more than they loved God. I don't love Antonia more than I've loved God.

 

            Me and God have faaaaar more time together, far more experiences than me and her do. But I still love her. I love her enough to run the risk of losing Him. If this turns out to be my doom, let it be clear that she is not guilty of it at all. I chose my life. I wanted this. I wanted freedom and I got it. The way I use it or don't use it is entirely my responsibility.

I love rain

I love rain!

I love it in every shape and form. Everything about it. From the very begining, when royal-palm-tree leaves start to shake, clash together and sway in the singing wind that moves them, grooves them. You look up and you can't quite see it yet, unless you aim for a dark spot. The softest, roundest, smoothest, kindests shards of glass descent in slow motion, caress those they land on, refresh and rejuvenate the life-beat-eye skin. Sometimes it escalates fast and abruptly, but that's not my favorite kind. You can't savor it when it's too fast. No, I like it when it builds. You can hear it coming...

As I walk the drops land heavier and begin increasing frequency - my heart beats, follows the crescendo. The sky is dark, but somehow anywhere my feet and eyes can reach is brighter. The leaves of the trees have their moment to shine, have all the glory of the beauty and the majesty the possess be attributed to them alone. Undivided atention. Just as a woman's hair is right after she leaves the shower. Beautiful, natural, glowing.

People pop open umbrelas.
Not me.
They begin to look for shelter and abandon the streets.
Not me.
I enjoy the streets more than even. I let my hair down and walk, owning the ground under my feet.
This is the moment that makes me unique! I know where I'm going, I'm not scared of the adversities that might hit me later: right now I am a woman in her full force, unlike any you've ever seen. I'm unmatched, I'm strong and beautiful... and begining to get soaking wet without a spare change of clothes.

Let's run then.

The orquestra begins. The speeding stomping of my feet and sound the of puddles being dryed up, followed by the intensifying wave of rain sets the crescendo into corse. I can hear my own heart beat. My God! I had forgoten how much I love running. The birds singing amist the storm serve the purposeof cymbols and chimes and on goes the music. The car horns are the guitars, their engines and the bass and cellos. Then thunder hits and lightning strikes: in come the drums! My favorite part!
     I'm already soaking, the constant drops on my eye lashes are clouding my vision, so it's my turn to give in and look for shelter.
    The sound of the Niagara falls and the snake thin land and water slides all over the ground are quite the live-painting. I could stay here all day. But it fades, ends, gives way for the people to re-crowd the streets. People think cloudy days are all gloomy. They're only gloomy for me when it stops raining. Then again, I still have the glow the rain leaves everywhere. My personal parting gift is how I see it. It reminds me it was just here, keeps me comfort now it's gone.
     Come to think of it, the only thing I don't like about rain is how cold it can get. I've been told I look prettier when I'm cold, and that's very nice, warms my heart - but not my body.
     No, wait... I am a big fan of the cold too. It buys me permission to have a very specific set of arms wrapped around me. I wouldn't trade that embrace for anything in the world. Not even for rain. But that's not how it goes.

     I close the door behind me and I'm greeted with a towel and a kiss... I soar.

     So yeah, bring on the rain! Bring on the cold and the soaking, the towel and the shaking, the embrace and the kissing.
                                      If you'll excuse me, someone's waiting.
                                                              I love rain.

Wouldn't have it any other way. VI

I was working on a paper today and everytime I thought of you I forgot what I was doing, reading, writing about.

1 - You make me lose focus.


I was standing in front of a book shelf when your message came in. You said something sweet. My knees weakened and I fell down.

2 - You make me lose balance.

We were talking about random anything's when the sunlight reached your eyes. They glistened and I couldn't think of anything else to say except that you are beautiful and that that moment was one I'd like to bottle up and save for a rainy day. But I didn't say it. The words were still dissolved into emotions, and they were so intense I couldn't articulate anything.

3 - You make me lose my words

We were talking on video call because I really wanted to see you, hear you, be with you, but that was as far we could go that evening. I couldn't talk for half of that call, and when I finally could it was almost time for me to go. I hadn't spend even a quarter of the time I wanted to, but I was going to be late if I didn't. Amidst the soup of emotions boiling in me, I told you I loved you as I said farewell - much, much sooner than I planned to.

4 - You make me lose control over my words

Re-read the text about the kisses. Now take your pick out of any of the ones I described and place it here. There.

5 - You make me lose my mind


I thought about showing you a funny video of my sister dancing in my room, but decided not to, cause it was messy. Shortly after, you showed me your room and told me I need to show you mine. Again I was embarrassed at the thought of how it was messy again.
The next day, I woke up and fixed that. Now everytime I see it starts getting messy, I straiten it out right away.

6- You make me be more organized


7- You make me push my limits at work

8- You make me better myself in college

9- You make me brave

10- You make me rejoice.

Keep me company, keep me smiling - V

I'm learning how to sing some songs from the musical you showed me.
Reading my hind lyrics, you pop up in my memory
I want to make this poem memorable, but that means hard work
Heart work...

Opening it to much could terminate our friendship
I'm still walking a tight rope about being in a real... in a relationship.

You never asked, and honestly I don't think you will. You have no reason to, and plenty of reasons not to. In the mean time, my quiet thought grows into quiet words... Here presented.

"Actions speak louder than words"

"Your compliments didn't lose their worth cause you know how to make them... And your timing! You've got great timing for them, you know when to make them"

"I might just fall in love with you" 3x

"You should wear your hair down more often. ... I have a thing for curls"

Your words don't leave me.
I don't want them to either.
They keep me company, and keep me smiling.

Hold it in - IV

I'm glad our last talk happened right before a very long weekend.
That means I won't see you for a while
That means I won't have the chance to do anything stupid
That means I have time to let emotions calm down.
...
2 days have passed though, and I feel they're only getting worse.

I knew you'd be fine. I always did. But a slight fear that maybe you wouldn't be, and I didn't get the chance to tell you how I feel, or the chance to spend all the time with you I still want to spend... that made me worry quite a bit.

It's not your fault, but I've been growing addicted to you

Violently, mindfully, happy to be - III

You don't want me to, but one day I'm gonna see you cry. A lot. Out of gratitude, and amazement, given the trust and confession I'll make to you.

I'm not gonna tell you now cause I don't want to wonder if the tears you'll shed will be, even in a small bit, a reaction to the sensitiveness you're in now given the most recent life changing experiences you're going though. I want the tears to have a clear, undivided purpose.

Because I love you.

I won't take any less than that. I want you to understand my love for you fully and rejoice and be glad. You want my blood? It's yours! You need an organ? Here, have two! I'm gonna take care of you too my best ability AND respect your space. I'm gonna watch you grow and stand amazed, as I already do. I'm gonna help you grow and mature as a person and a professional in any and every way I can. I'm gonna overlook your flaws, and your angry days, because I care about you violently. And nothing except a greater physical violence than my violent love for you will make me change my mind about you. You'd have to knock me out, full K.O. ... And I'm a good, Kung Fu trained fighter. Bottom line, you've got no way out.

What I feel for you goes beyond the romantic butterflies, hearts and roses. It's mostly mental. I'm crazy about your mind. About your politeness, your punctuality, about how seriously you take your job, about your determination to be light hearted in spite of everything and your following through with exactly that. It leaves me astonished that you show your sensitive side with the small things that hit you in life but pull yourself together with the big things so you can best help the people involved or calm down the people that are worried about you. I appreciate how passionate you are about the things you care for, and the length you're ready to go for the people you care about. Btw, I felt flattered, comforted, safe, cared for and deeply, deeply honored to have been considered one of those people, on a number of occasions. You may even be a difficult person at times, but you are extremely easy to love. Very easy. So easy...

I'll go over these one by one with you, if you want me to, later so you can know exactly where I'm getting all this from. I've lived this with you! I've seen all these qualities in their full force quite a number of times. It'll be delightful for me, to spend some extra time with you in person, letting you know where all of this came from. And enjoying your company, as usual. Pun intended.

And I'm not even asking you to be mine, but you need to know that I,
            I am violently and mindfully 

happy to be

 yours.

Scary - II

Today you said the following phrase:

"How long have we been together?"

For a minute, I froze.

What did you mean by that? Are you insinuating we've been together? Are you refering to our friendship? ... or dare I say you're about to suggest we should be together?

"What do you mean?" is, thank God, all that came out.

"I mean today."

"Oh. For about 2 or 3 hours. Why?"

"And what did you not yet do, that you always do to me?"

...

"I don't know, hug you?" - or kiss you if I'd ever dare.

"True, but no. Even more important than that."

I couldn't say on the spot, so you gave me a minute.

Bad idea.

The last thing ringing in my head was the line you started the conversation with, and it's possible interpretations. My heart was pounding in my chest and my breath was uneasy. That's the effect these sort of lines, coming from you, have on me.

I strove to figure out what was more important to you than hugs, thinking in an emotional sense, and that just made things worse inside me.

What a relief when you finally said:

"You didn't remind me to drink water!" and that was it. A weight lifted off my shoulders.

Like I said, I DON'T WANT YOU, but I also do.

These are the moments that's made apparent. My mind reacts to the idea; my body responds to it.

Guess we just gotta learn as we go.

See you tomorrow (hopefully).

Reasoning in the closet - 1

Somebody help me!

I can smell it. It creeps into my surrounding. I laugh too hard at your jokes. Not too much, but more than average. I know what this marks the beginning of.

Someone talk me out of this!

Love is considered beautiful in every form, and forever beneficial, but that is such a lie. Anyone who's been in a relationship that didn't work can certainly convince you not all is beautiful or beneficial. I can assure you, this is one of those cases.

Someone slap me into reality!

You're weekly within the reach of my grasp, and yet desperately far from reach. You connect when I'm week and it's sweet... but it's fake. I don't want to allow myself to care, I shouldn't do so. Nevertheless, it's happening. It's as if my body were the master of itself, simply informing the brain by it's sudden temperature and chemical change that something is being birthed in my heart. I DON'T WANT IT, but I DO want it. It's too contradictory to make sense. I could, and can in dream, though. I've showed you in words and touch that I care for you, in a dream. I wished I could see that dream come to life. ... NO! I am meant to be redemption to you, and yet I begin to desire you be my corruption.

For the first time in all the history of surrenderings my heart has ever made, I agree with my mind: this IS not right; this should not happen. My brain seems to battle with my soul, though both agree that this should never be; my neck turns and looks up, as if pushing the physical trigger that pulls the thought into the mind without reason's permition or interference.

I think of you Tony.
We could never be
We should never be
You're out of my league
You'd never consider me--
-- and for good reasons.
...
            ....
                         ....
That doesn't make stop thinking of you.