It's time...

Because of you I look forward to night, wen I lay my head down, and silence completly takes over. Takes me to the moment where no one can split us, where I'm totally free and so are you. The moment where dreams rulle over reality.
You once asked me: "Wen will I see you again?". That only hurt me so much, because I knew the answer, and dramatic as it may seem it is exactly: "In your dreams." That is a cruel way to say the undesired truth, but it the most clear and direct way.
You are who you are and I am who I am. You have a life to live and goals to reach and so do I, but we can only combine them if we decide that we are willing to give up on a few "my" own dreams so there will be space for "yours", and/or to include each other in a few of these dreams. Plus, we will have to love each other so much to survive this, that our love will be compared to a long term married couple. I'm sorry. I'd love to, but I know I can't do that.
God put you in my way and changed my life while I was with you,and He certainly did something with you because me 2, but now our time together has expired and it's time to bid you all farewell. It hurts more on me then it will ever hurt on you - believe me, but we can't delay this for to much longer, so I'm wrighting this to give my love to you and my good-byes. I wasn't going to do this, but if I didn't, time would just pass untill things were finally lost, without ever at least saying good bye.
Understand that I am safe to say good bye, because I know I have you in my heart(♥) forever. You've proved me you are real friends, and I'm glad I found you. I'm glad we walked this road together. I have the greatest memories ever because of you. And because of you ARE true friends, I know we can all go different ways now, cause in our hearts, we are all together.
So time has come, and in short words I say... Farewell my friends, and God bless you all
                                                                                                       I love you
                                                                                                                 your keeper
                                                                                                                      Joy.  over and out

To remember...forever.

• Yes, I promise;
• I'll go with you.

     If you read these alone, without knowing the story behind each frase, you may not feel the weight and the strength they carry, but be it known, it's there.

     Each of these frases marked my life in a different way. There are many other frases, but I only put these 2, cause the're the smallest, and are among the most important of them all.

     The first came from a conversation I had with a good friend of mine, after a terrible day. Long story short, that day I needed to decide if I would leave my home, and everything the future in that house had for me, and be free, and go live with my mother, or if I would stay and have to suffer a problem I had nothing to do with and would never get better. Plus, the day before, I heard so many bad things about myself and about my way of thinking, and how I was and have been wasting all my time with nothing important. But to me, this year has been the best year of my life, with ups and downs, yes, but it's been great. But the things I heard, were not wrong in they're totality, so I needed to know, with someone I trust and had spent the year with, if that was true or not. So I sent a message to my dearest Maby saying: "Can you promise me, our friendship, is worth the time, and will be kept though time passes?". At that moment I was crying a river, and desperately needed help. I needed anything just to know I wasn't alone. And her marking answer, was a super small frase, with great power and impact... "Yes, I promise."  ->October 3rd 2011, 6:14 pm.

                    -> I'll go with you.<-

     This one was said  far before the first one I spoke of, but this one changed me very seriously, so I left it last. I'm alive today because of this frase.
     I had also had a terrible day, but that day, I was going through a crises. Everything and everyone was against me, even at school I had had a bad day...that's very rare. It came together with one of those weeks that bring the worst of life all at the same time, you know? I was going through a lot - alone.

     And in the middle of all that, I had the thought of killing myself. Yes, for real. I cried like never before, when I thought that was the only way to make it all stop. There was no hope. So I began my farewells. I said bye to my Keepers, to a few other friends, to my family (brothers, sisters, and my mom), and said I was leaving.
     People started to ask where was I going, but all I answered was that I couldn't stand this life anymore and I didn't want to cause anymore pain to anyone so I was leaving. Some of my keepers understood and told me not to do it, but I had made my decision, in great pain, but I couldn't stand the idea of one more day of this life. Then, one of my keepers said the frase that changed everything:
  "I'll go with you."
     Just the idea of a friend of mine dieing because of me, was already torture, and this friend had the same problem I had, and to think that I was provoking that, made me change my mind. I struggled cause I didn't want to wake up ever again, but I didn't want both my friends and her friends suffering and hurting all because of something I decided to do, but suddenly affected someone else. Then I started to realize what I was doing was stupid, and causeless. Now I was worried about her. I didn't sleep that night, but I never had the thought again. All because of who she was, and what she said. I thank God every time I can, for giving me her as a friend.

               Thank you Maby for letting God use you to save my life that night.     ->April 27th 2011

Me ajuda?

          To afim de matar alguém hoje! Ela vem me machucando a já algum tempo. Mas não é sempre um machucado normal....
          Paredes toráxicas encolhem, sombras de sonhos despencam, ossos esfarelam, animo se dilúi. Felicidade anda de mãos dadas com ela. As vezes vejo a felicidade acenando, ou gritando meu nome. A vilã me permite um maravilhoso segundo para apreciar a felicidade, apenas para me torturar ainda mais quando a encobre, esconde, afasta de mim. Um saquinho de fragmentos de água ardente, presentes para os meus olhos, é a única coisa que me deixa quase todas as vezes que me vê.

          Hoje quero vingança!
          Cada gota que escorreu tem que ser paga com um "risco de sufocamento"!
Suspeito, que como o gato, ela tenha 7 vidas - só assim pra explicar como ela sempre aparece depois de um tempo, mas de hoje ela não me escapa!
Mas ela é forte, e bem maior que eu. Só pode ser vencida por 2 pessoas, então...Topa me ajudar?
Não se preocupe com armas, só preciso dos seus braços pra vencer.
Ah, o nome dela é saudade...

Small, but good for now.

People who never made me ask what I was doing wen I was with them.
People who made feel good in terrible moments.
People who never gave up on me.
My BEST FRIENDS
My LIFE FRIENDS
My KEEPERS
Even if some day you come to forget me, I will always love and remember you.
My arms are always open to you, never hesitate to run to them.
I love you, and always will.
your keeper.

Flyweel

     Last week I wrote something about Life and it’s meaning...this week something changed. Yes, I was getting pretty bored with just living one day at a time – which is the wrong way to do it, but that I’ll explain in some other post – not really making any great plans, and just waiting for time to pass, so I could finaly do something for real. Even my dreams were dimming, were becoming small, or unreachable.
     This week something big happened. Small enough to not alarm anyone, big enough to change my future 
and therefore, my life!
     Father came back from this trip he was doing and brought back lots of things. That’s comon coming from father. He’s always a generous guy and gives more then he even has, to his sons, friends,and anyone who will acept it actually. So my family and I didnt expect more then usual...then the storys came. Wonderfull storys about how God is really doing something out there, and all the awesome, crazy things that happened. One of them being how he met the owner of a music school (we had never heard of this school before, but moving on). In the conversation, father spoke of João which is just like this guy’s son, and well, they became friends. This man told dad, that this school was opening scholarships and gave my dad one for my brother. Father thanked, and said he had 2 daughters who would be finishing school this year, and a son how would be finishing soon. So well, he got scholarships for all 4 of us.
     So, long story short, next year me, my sister and my brother will be on a plane to Tampa – USA to do this college. Yes a college.
     Just the idea of traveing gives me breath again, specialy if it’s to do God’s will, doing something for him, learning with him. Made me start to daydream with the future again. Made my life feel i little more interesting again. A new adventure is to take place! But as every good thing has a price, this one didn’t come cheap.
     I had plans on the year to come, to spend with my mother, and so promissed to my sister. I really wanted to go next year, but as long as I can go wen I get back, I’ll be fine, and so will they. The next thing would be my friends.
     Through out my life I’ve never had friends, or did, but never like these. To leave them, my keepers, is the same as leaving a piece of my heart behind, and if there is anything that would keep me from going to this school, it would be them. 
I wouldn't trade anything for them. This would be a problem. I spoke of this to one of my keepers, and it hurt a bit – I saw her reaction – but she encouraged me to go. Told me to do what’s best for me now. I really love her! I was very relieved that she said that. I had the impression she would be mad. But whatever. One thing she said: “Wen you come back, 3 or 4, years form now, you can come live with us, the girls.” I’d love to...but if this is the door                 God’s opened for me to go to China, I don’t know wen I’m coming back.
I really want to have them close forever, but I can’t see me with them and China all at the same time. Maybe it will be, but it’s very unlikely. In another ocasion I would give up China, but it burns in me. It’s like fullfilling what I was made to do. The idea of going gives me breath. Losing the girls takes my air away. What do I do?
     God I want you above everything else, but I dont believe you gave me these friends to just take them awaylike that?
 I don’t see you – in losing them. I believe you gave me them as life partners, so what happens to os now?

a desperate cry for help

I don't know what to do with my life .
Am I suppost to be a good person? If yes then how, when ? 
If I'm not suppost to care about that, then what am I suppost to care about? What is the real meaning of life? Y can't I get absolutetly any ansers?
What's going on inside of me, that I dispise my own behavior, but dont know what to do to make it beter, if that's even important.

WHO AM I ????  WHY?????  WHAT FOR ??????AND HOW TO DO WHAT I WAS BORN TO ????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


I'M KILLING MYSELF WITH THESE QUESTIONS,   BUT I CAN'T STOP, CAUSE I DON'T KNOW THE ANSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

And there are so many more.....
Please ask God to help me, cause I've been asking that for a few years, but it looks like he can't hear me, and if he can, looks like he doesn't care, or doesn't wanna answer.
I need help, and I need it fast!!!! 

to A Love

Sinto sua falta
Falta do seu cheiro,
Do jeito como vai me arrepiar
Com um simples toque seu.
Falta de como seu rosto
Se iluminará quando me vier a ver,
E do desespero
De seus (a)braços
Ao finalmente me encontrar.

Falta de você,
Um feio lindo,
Um baixo alto,
Um gordo magro,
Um fraco forte,
Um menino Homem.

Outros tentam te substituir,
Mas embora por hora meu coração se confunda,
Nenhum outro terá o nome de "Meu"
A mim, como terá você.
Apesar de não te ter ainda....Amo-te.

Sinto sua falta...