I paused for a minute. It wasn't a good wpp picture to look at. It wasn't a good portrayal of her face or beauty. Not even of her smile. I dropped my phone at let my mind wander and go back to last, cutest memory I had of my newest sister. It was an "I'm playing upset" frown, and I longed to see it again.
Her arms were crossed over her chest and her head slightly bent forward down. Gravity pulled her short black hair, and for a moment I couldn't see her face. A massive smile sprout on mine out of nowhere. She saw it, reacted with a small one, then slapped me to make sure her point was made that she didn't want me to leave. Happy to still have me in her company, but frustrated I had broken down her frowny act. She made me promise to keep in touch, promise to call and text whenever I could, as would she. My heart rejoiced greatly at it. I'd promise anything, and make sure to be faithful in the keeping of it, if I knew it would make her happy. I was willing to do almost anything to keep alive this newfound dear affection we had for each other.
That was how it started,
This is how it ended...
I waited for her call. I longed for it. I was busy with something very important. I had a deadline that wasn't met and desperately needed to be respected now. Boss wouldn't be as pacient this time. I'd drop it all for her. I wanted to drop it all for her. I wanted her. Sweat dripped from my forehead, down my neck and through my shirt. All this while the fan was still on. Nervously, I checked the phone over and over. After the 27th time I noticed I was checking every 3 minutes exactly. Should I send an emoji again? Should I call her again? Should I write her again? She doesn't care all that much... No, sit up! Focus! Do your work! Just check one more time... She's still not there.
My heart beat increase, I was breathing heavy. Get up, move around a little, my legs were getting numb. Going for a run would be a good idea - I CAN'T FREAKING LEAVE THIS ROOM! I NEED TO GET THE JOB DONE! ...Where the hell is she?! in a sadder mood
Focus. Focus. Focus. What are you doing? "The Spaniards brought the press to the gallery countries and allowed then to begin having a greater interaction with culture"... you can't be serious. Why should I care about who the Spaniards did or didn't help?! How does that affect my professional life? We don't work with Spaniards, and I'm just fine the way we are. I don't need this. I pick up my phone... SHE'S ONLINE! She's gonna answer! She's... gone offline. No checking. Why, girl, why?! She doesn't care all that much. My own fault, I shouldn't have gotten so attached. A compression in my chest. For a second I can't breathe. A mental slap as cross my face. I jump up from the chair. I need to get out of here. I walk fast around my yard, trying to catch my breath, take my mind off. I stomp, angrily back to my computer decided not to think of her until I finish. A message gets in - IT'S HER!... she sent a condescending face emoji??! I feel a kick in my stomach, but my mind is going "oh, no you didn't!!". I answer her back, with a milder version of "what the hell?" and she laughs and says no more. At this point, I know how ridiculous this situation is on my side of the phone. I can't win, I'm slowly killing myself, I need to get things done. She really doesn't care, she's knows what I'm going through and isn't doing anything about it, moreover, she's despising me for making an effort - as I promised I would! I can't keep doing this. That's it. I'm done.
I finished reading the text. I didn't check my phone until I finished my assignment. I felt accomplished when I finished. I felt even more accomplished when I delivered the seminar. I felt good about myself. I felt pain thinking about her, but the decision was: no more. I'm never letting her be the cause of my pain again, which also means she lost her place of care in my heart.
Today I love her very much, in a shallow, superficial way. I care for her, but never, ever again, in the same way.
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