Mustard orange

I remember the first time I saw you in that shirt.
I remember because it was shortly after I had decided
I wasn't gonna let you in my life... that was the first time
I regretted that decision.

You were wearing that mustard orange shirt that
you make look amazing, but doesn't work on other people.
You had that look on your face that though the world was crashing everywhere
you're weren't going anywhere. It's one of the things I love about
you, until this day.

You were a gem, it took me a while to see it. I'm glad you didn't
give up on me in the process. We're not ours yet, but while we wait
may we gaze upon this sunset, watch the mustard orange sky
the Sun decided to paint today.

By the way, you look amazing.

Birth and death of an addiction

            I paused for a minute. It wasn't a good wpp picture to look at. It wasn't a good portrayal of her face or beauty. Not even of her smile. I dropped my phone at let my mind wander and go back to last, cutest memory I had of my newest sister. It was an "I'm playing upset" frown, and I longed to see it again.
            Her arms were crossed over her chest and her head slightly bent forward down. Gravity pulled her short black hair, and for a moment I couldn't see her face. A massive smile sprout on mine out of nowhere. She saw it, reacted with a small one, then slapped me to make sure her point was made that she didn't want me to leave. Happy to still have me in her company, but frustrated I had broken down her frowny act. She made me promise to keep in touch, promise to call and text whenever I could, as would she. My heart rejoiced greatly at it. I'd promise anything, and make sure to be faithful in the keeping of it, if I knew it would make her happy. I was willing to do almost anything to keep alive this newfound dear affection we had for each other.
         
           That was how it started,
           This is how it ended...

I waited for her call. I longed for it. I was busy with something very important. I had a deadline that wasn't met and desperately needed to be respected now. Boss wouldn't be as pacient this time. I'd drop it all for her. I wanted to drop it all for her. I wanted her. Sweat dripped from my forehead, down my neck and through my shirt. All this while the fan was still on. Nervously, I checked the phone over and over. After the 27th time I noticed I was checking every 3 minutes exactly. Should I send an emoji again? Should I call her again? Should I write her again? She doesn't care all that much... No, sit up! Focus! Do your work! Just check one more time... She's still not there.

My heart beat increase, I was breathing heavy. Get up, move around a little, my legs were getting numb. Going for a run would be a good idea - I CAN'T FREAKING LEAVE THIS ROOM! I NEED TO GET THE JOB DONE! ...Where the hell is she?! in a sadder mood

Focus. Focus. Focus. What are you doing? "The Spaniards brought the press to the gallery countries and allowed then to begin having a greater interaction with culture"... you can't be serious. Why should I care about who the Spaniards did or didn't help?! How does that affect my professional life? We don't work with Spaniards, and I'm just fine the way we are. I don't need this. I pick up my phone... SHE'S ONLINE! She's gonna answer! She's... gone offline. No checking. Why, girl, why?! She doesn't care all that much. My own fault, I shouldn't have gotten so attached. A compression in my chest. For a second I can't breathe. A mental slap as cross my face. I jump up from the chair. I need to get out of here. I walk fast around my yard, trying to catch my breath, take my mind off. I stomp, angrily back to my computer decided not to think of her until I finish. A message gets in - IT'S HER!... she sent a condescending face emoji??! I feel a kick in my stomach, but my mind is going "oh, no you didn't!!". I answer her back, with a milder version of "what the hell?" and she laughs and says no more. At this point, I know how ridiculous this situation is on my side of the phone. I can't win, I'm slowly killing myself, I need to get things done. She really doesn't care, she's knows what I'm going through and isn't doing anything about it, moreover, she's despising me for making an effort - as I promised I would! I can't keep doing this. That's it. I'm done.

I finished reading the text. I didn't check my phone until I finished my assignment. I felt accomplished when I finished. I felt even more accomplished when I delivered the seminar. I felt good about myself. I felt pain thinking about her, but the decision was: no more. I'm never letting her be the cause of my pain again, which also means she lost her place of care in my heart.

Today I love her very much, in a shallow, superficial way. I care for her, but never, ever again, in the same way.

16 hugs

They say 16 hugs will satisfy a needy heart
I decided to use that as my test
To decipher whether what I feel is real
Or just a momentary rush, a need for touch

My mind calls you love,
I dive into my first hug
It runs to you in the hours
I run to my second hug
My body imagines future possibilities
4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and keep it up
Your cent +the sound of a kiss + the sight of lips...
11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15h - 16TH!!
...
      ...
            ...
A moment later your on my mind
I guess it's time to claim you mine

Amigo, amore

Antes que pedisse o meu,
Embrulhado em cetim, te dei.
O meu coração é seu,
Pelo correio mandarei.

É estranho ainda esse andar generoso
Onde o seu bem, pra mim, é mais precioso
Em outros contextos me ponho a falar;
Na sua presença, só quero escutar.

Antes de conhecer, me fez ser amigo
Hoje eu só descanso, a sonhar contigo
Trouxe a vida a história do solitário em família
Quando puxou para perto quem andava sozinha.

The bridge, the door and the rest

Shortly after the very beginning,
When we first arrived
The fist man made creation took its place
It was called "a gap", a space that separated creator from creation, farther from sons, groom from bride, first born from brothers, God from his beloved man.

The gap was destructive, lead to all sorts of atrocities and prisons within one's own mind, body, attitudes, actions and emotions. Our elders knew well. They tried to break it, and succeeded... but only for a moment, only to have it recreate itself soon after.

But He missed me. He determined that nothing would ever get in the way of His love for us anymore. So He sent His son, the one for whom my heart beats faster and whom's face I could stare and surrender to forever, to come and create a bridge! A bridge that crossed over the gap we created, and a bridge that could never be broken or undone. The problem? In order to meet my father and my beloved, I need to cross the bridge, over the scary gap that lies underneath. The wonderful solution? He crosses the bridge, and nocks on the door of my heart set right at the end of it. He takes me by the hand and takes me all the way over.

I lift up my eyes unto the hills from where came my salvation, and made me rest on green pastures. Behind me lies the valley of the shadow of death from which He pulled me out of, and today I live in the strong tower of His word and his name. Because I am my beloveds and He is mine. All my love is for Him for He is deserving, and loving and beautiful. Because He is sweet when I don't want him to be. Because He listens, cares and answers better than I expected Him to. Because He is always available for me, and the door to His heart is never closed to me. I am yours my love, my heart has no choice upon the sight of your face, and the sound of your voice.

Jesus no barco

Era o vai e vem constante das ondas batendo contra o exterior do caiaque,
Era o vento mudando nossa direção,
Era os peixes-voadores e as águas-vivas,
Era uma companhia maravilhosa e uma conversa fantástica
Era Jesus pra cá, Jesus pra lá, Jesus aqui, agora.
Ele estava, está e virá!
Ele sempre se mostra para quem o quer e o busca de todo coração.

Say something...

How can I describe a one so sweet?
How can I describe an ocean's deep?

How do I begin to conversate?
How do I begin, right now, so late?

How do I rebuild a bridge that's broken,
When you don't care to keep its door opened?

It hurts, and I sleep in pain.
I want to speak, but in my attempt
I'm drained, with little to no retribution.

Rapid vows, fast connection,
A need to feed one's crave for attention.

How could I possibly let it go?
My heart is tangled, it needs to know,
That those who give can always do so
If they are wise so, past the snow,
will still have enough to feed and grow.

I give you a little, you give me some back
That way, our love will be always intact.