A new group chat is made, with people I haven't seen in a long time, people that bring back a sense of excitement and adventure... a minute later my mind goes back to you.
A family gathering is about to take place. After so long, I have a say and a place where I belong, an assembly that loves me and wants me around, even needs me... a minute later my mind goes back to you.
An early morning of planning and rearranging all the furniture in the house, encompassed by the adrenaline of the movement and the satisfaction of the decluttering of my life... and all the while, though I try to focus it as much as I can, for some reason my mind goes back to you.
A tiny piece of me dies every time my mind goes back to you. Another little piece of me I had lost a while ago gets found, dusted off and glued back together. Not always. Not amazing, sad or happy every time. But not numb either. Not hopeless about being free, understood, loved and respected anymore.
Maybe I'll end up alone and maybe I'll like it. God, no. If that happens, I definitely won't like it.
What is the purpose of this? Right now, I have no idea. And yes, I couldn't care less for how that was phrased. If you are determined to take offense at the things I do and say, disregarding WHO I AM, that is your prerogative. As much as I hate it, it doesn't concern me anymore and I am determined to force myself to forget. But, like you wrote once, and I kept so I wouldn't forget just how terribly I felt during that time, wouldn't forget how utterly wrong we were for each other "Se eu não escrever eu vou surtar".
I'm not even sure this will ever be posted, because I don't think you deserve to read what I have to say, after deciding - during our relationship - that we were unfit and my needs unreasonable. You were so concerned with being fair in your words you forgot to live them. You asked me to be coherent, consistent with my decision, so I will. I will not even interact with those who say they wish me well, then knife my heart in my most vulnerable moments.
I don't want to love you anymore.
Written before the giving of '2nd change' to the relationship, on the 20th of February.
Today, the day before I say goodbye to the dog that stayed here for exactly 75 days, I mean it just the same, on the 16th of May.
