- get up
- teach
- eat
- sleep
repeat
Can't go out, don't have money for that. Will I have money to pay the bills next month? Do the math. I don't want to do the math, cause if I find out that I won't what I am going to do?! What can I do?!
Send out cvs - I've been doing that but I haven't gotten any responses and I don't know if I want a formal job anymore anyway. I want stability. Yeah, but with no freedom? No. I could make more money working for myself doing something I love and believe in from the comfort of my own home then with any other slaving job out there. But in the meantime, I can't go out. Can't afford it.
Stay at home. Damn it, man, not again.
THEN FUCKING DO SOMETHING! LIKE FUCKING WHAT, JOY?! YOU CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. YOU CAN'T.
Work on the house. It needs your attention and you thrive by improving it. True, what's the point of doing that anymore. I care about it, but I feel so useless, like I deserve to live in this perfect fit of a house that maybe is also slowly crumbling under my feet due to lack of proper attention. I don't deserve to thrive. You need to live well if you want anybody to be interested in you. That's when life finally makes sense to you, isn't it? When it's shared? Yep. That's the problem. I desperately want to love and be loved, start a matrimony, start a life, start. But if that is the only moment I feel like my life is worth living then I'm already codependent even before the next relationship starts. I'm setting myself out to fail no matter what I do.
What's the point to being alive if all I do and can do is
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat
eat, teach, sleep, repeat?
I used to believe I was meant for so much more than this.
Now, I'm a dead man walking.
They cut a tree that was right in front of my apartment today, though. That was cool to watch and I got some new pieces of wood to turn into a nightstand and a stool.
