I can ask you to talk away, to walk out of my life. I don't like it that you already do every time you get upset, and you get upset a lot, for tiny reasons and don't allow me to do anything to make it better. You won't even talk to me. I hate it. But I can't fight it. I'm not strong enough, or maybe even smart enough to explain why this hurts me so much. You don't analyse things. You judge them quickly and that's it. I over-analize things. I see reason in the way people behave (and therefore let their behaviour however hurt or wrongful slide) even when a regular person wouldn't.
I have a talent to making people feel good, feel loved and appreciated. I had forgotten about that, because I haven't had the opportunity to be that person in someone's life in a while. What has been happening however, is that I'm in a relationship with a woman that I love very much, too much. Because she's not willing to invest half as much as I need to be happy.
That's one way to put it.
But I also haven't just had fun in a while. My kind of fun. I'm not even sure I know what that looks like anymore. I know it involves people, most likely nature and very often the exploration of a novelty. I LOVE LEARNING. I love exploring, and seeing new things. But I don't like the idea of doing it by myself.
Someone told me today that the Holy Spirit hasn't abandoned me. That that idea is a lie fabricated by the devil to destroy me. Given everything I grew up believing in, that sounds perfectly accurate, but I never know if it's true. Because the same Bible that says that God never forgets anyone, also says that some are doomed and that's it. That they are doomed because they loved the world more than they loved God. I don't love Antonia more than I've loved God.
Me and God have faaaaar more time together, far more experiences than me and her do. But I still love her. I love her enough to run the risk of losing Him. If this turns out to be my doom, let it be clear that she is not guilty of it at all. I chose my life. I wanted this. I wanted freedom and I got it. The way I use it or don't use it is entirely my responsibility.
